Secret revealed! How to answer the question. "does my bum look big in this?"

OK punters, I'm proud of you. Close the door so she can't see where you got this fabulous information from!

Mighty courageous of you to line up here to learn the black art of answering the question. "Does my bum look big in this?" .... which has baffled even the greatest minds since before Eve first asked Adam, "Honey, does my bum look big with this fig leaf?

I do however believe that Eve got Adam thrown out of the family property and stripped him of his innocence. Same thing happened to me!

Some things never change.

Adam is rumoured by religious types to have survived the question through a miracle. I would want much more proof of this, but that's for the religious forums.

History

Up until the stone age. the first females with the "does my bum look big in this" gene appear to have been asking with the sincere desire that the object of their affections would reply in the affirmative and say something like the following.

"YES! It is bloody huge, I can't tell if that's your arse or a mountain range!

"Your bum moons the moon it's so big!"

"No other woman's arse looks as big as yours! ......... How did you even manage to feed an arse that size! ........ You must have killed a bloody mammoth and eaten it all yourself washed down by three wild boor and a dingo!

Naturally the young lady would be right chuffed about this sort of attention, and agree to become the cave housekeeper, providing enormous amounts of heat for the cave and something soft for our caveman to sleep on.

Most men knew to say these things early in the relationship and that is why many men survived to create the wonderful gene pool we enjoy the fruits of today.

Those woman who were lucky enough to have a huge derrière were idolised for their capacity to put on weight when everyone else was skinny from chasing food, whereas the largest girls used other tactics to get food which they have refined to the black art you see all women use daily in our modern world.

Back to the cave.

Alas, no matter how big the poor male claimed her derriere was, it was never big enough to allow the cave woman or cave wife to be satisfied with the answer, and this is when many of our male ancestors developed the first ways of dealing with this question.

Those who were not hacked to death in their sleep for giving the wrong answer developed defensive positions that are still in use today.

• Distraction.

Stone age man would often knock himself unconscious to avoid the big question.

Another popular method was lay down in the path of a stampeding herd of mammoth which is why life expectancy was short during that period.

It is difficult in our modern world to find any hard objects in women's shops amongst all those soft fabrics, and she will ask you the question again as soon as you are conscious in the ambulance. Worse still, modern medics may bring you around in the store where other women may see your dazed state and ask you the big one while you're still in shock and vulnerable!

• Modern distraction.

Committing a robbery of the woman's clothing store you have been dragged to semi-conscious.

If you get to steal some of the best brand names and a little black dress, you can gain some brownie points by hiding them at a mates place and getting them delivered to her.

This way after your arrest, she will come and bail you out! So this idea is worth a lot of consideration and mile safer than answering the question.

• the religious conversion.

Gain the love of god and attest to a divinity on the spot!

Now this is an excellent ploy, the downside of which is a life that resembles Ned Flanders of the Simpsons. Still, it would certainly be the better alternative to the results of an answer to the big one!

• Alien abduction.

Not an easy one to arrange, but if you can do the religious one your half way there!

And good old emergency1

Run at her then tear her clothes off while making uncontrolled looking humping movements right there in the showroom.

Worked for me once, and worth a try as well.

I hope you have learned from my two hubs on the big question.

Ain't love grand?