Does my bum look big in this?

Since Adam lost a rib, all of mankind has live in fear of being asked "Does my bum look big in this?"

That's right scoffers! I have survived being asked "Does my bum look big in this?" and only if I get a big dose of hub- article love will I consider passing on advice in this or another hub, I dunno, let's see how it goes shall we?

Look ... it may seem a bit pathetic that I enjoy watching the victims of "Does my bum look big in this" I know, and freely admit it's a lot like watching the legs being pulled off insects.

It is horrible, yet somehow mentally rewarding when you were that insect once and survived without losing any limbs or any other dangly bits.

When you see a distraught husband or boyfriend going in to one of these Fashion death traps with a smirking female, her jaw stuck out like Wonder woman, displaying her obvious sexual superiority. I can't resist seeing how far the conniving female is going to go. That is the real reason I like to frequent these places and the rumours are just plain wrong!

You see, I need to know. Will she go for the full package by dragging the poor bastard around all the lingerie section first?

Something dies a little inside all of mankind when this takes place, yet I am struck by the inability of the victim of the full "lingerie technique."

This shows her complete dominance of the mail gene and allows her to relish the envious looks from the pretty shop girls who still have never managed this artful manipulation and may feel the need to discount the price of the pink outfit out of deference.

If, like me, you find it wonderfully entertaining to go in women's dress shops to watch the dopey sexually fulfilled bastard get his dues then a new dimension in entertainment awaits.

OK I know that sounds callous, but what can you do? The guy's done for anyway!

The victim has had a fabulous time the night before. You see the mad cow eyed look on his pan, the gut pulled in and that strange rooster like strut ....... before he hits the women's department that is!

Thus the poor schmuck has been blackmailed in to being in a position where the question will arise. "Does my bum /tail/ bottom/backside/derriere/ass" .... well you know what I mean.

By this time only three possible answers leap to the feeble remnants of the male mind. ...he has so many alarms going off in his head that all the connecting bits are short-circuiting!

• The glazed look.

* Gone! Do not pass go, your ass is in a sling, you blew it.

Boring!

Now I must interject at this point. Look around! You may spot another more smarty-pants learner trying his first carefully planned response. He reckons he's got the first bit covered?

He has had advice and the help of experts that required a few hours at the pub......... quite a few hours ')

This poor soul may be a stage one learner and will have the same look you see in a dingoes eye when he is cornered. A frantic trip to the toilet will only delay the moment of terror but he will try it anyway, as he needs time to remember through the grog all he learned from his peers, that cost dozens of rounds of beer and spirit. He has already paid out hundreds of dollars to get this far.

It has taken several charges of "drunk and disorderly" (Questions about lying to women require copious quantities of alcohol) and many nights of negotiating with the experienced guys like myself and plying us with free drinks, so he feels he must give it a shot or it's good money down the pisser so to speak.

He has a head full of sage advice from fellow liars, been given a few low risk tips to get him started.

All the advice is as vague and discombobulated as male advice about how to lie to women can be.

How could he go wrong?

He is the walking dead, his case is closed, he will become woman fodder within micro seconds..

I would be lying if I said otherwise. Sometimes ya gotta pay ya dues to learn the darkest of secrets, I paid my dues and I aint tellin no newbie for peanuts and a few rounds of drinks how to safely solve this almost insurmountable life threatening question!

So we who know the black art let every man in the place know about this guy's woman problem as soon as he leaves the bar, he is immediately made a laughing stock by all the men in the bar who do not wish to face the seriousness of this quest for the black art themselves.... very zen.

These pre-learners prefer to make a laughing stock of the "newbie" thus excluding him from important parts of the whole male bonding thing in that bar for until he breaks. It could take years.

So armed with peer reviewed advice from a bunch of consummate liars he deduces that his own individual approach can now be constructed.

He will hide the glazed look by not actually looking at the bum in question!

Pure Genius!

Alas in the real world, every man comes up with the same plan! It was probably constructed by a woman! It is hopeless! You are a low-brow! Learn the art man! Pay the price you coward!
This second fatal mistake seals his fate.

Any answer given from this point will be wrong. This amuses the hell out of those of us who paid our dues in houses and hard cash to learn the legendary black art of answering the question ....... Does my bum look big in this?.